I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
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Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too