Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well