Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount