Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.