Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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Oh the world we live in…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Monday
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you