I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,