Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down