Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another