The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I feel seen
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
March 16
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.