Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.