“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
![]()
You Might Also Like
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’