I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.