Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters