my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell