Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Sing it!
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”