One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
A drum solo but on your face.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.