A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You Might Also Like
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat