There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.