Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Life is a suicide mission.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.