1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
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The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Are we there yet?…
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