Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

🛁

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*