The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated