The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
You Might Also Like
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions