I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You Might Also Like
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question