My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
You Might Also Like
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!