[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???