[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
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Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
who wore it better?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.