Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
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Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.