During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
You Might Also Like
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying