[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.