“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
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How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*