kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!