My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.