Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go