*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang