Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed