*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? đ
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
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Youâre telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when youâre supposed to be mad
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
âYellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.â Oh! Gary watered the plant. âYellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.â Oh, ffs.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while itâs called âbweighvery.â
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Why does ma Nanaâs dog look like heâs trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
If I were God Iâd tell everyone that I created the animals and that I donât know what happened after that.
People think itâs embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but itâs way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
why do people say âi better sleep on itâ when itâs like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute