Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.