When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.