*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
man i love columbo
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I hate my earbuds.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too