Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
This is a sub tweet
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*