Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
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Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Breaking news:
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary