Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )