*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework