[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
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I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.