ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”