I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“You’d better run, egg!”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.