Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
You Might Also Like
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it