What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.