one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs