Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
#SuperBowl
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]