Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
True?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.