It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.